[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
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Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.