*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
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I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
This guy’s not having it 😆
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night