{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
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Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair