[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
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Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?