Quadruple digit IQ
You Might Also Like
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.