*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
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[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail