*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
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Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD