90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
You Might Also Like
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
#Caturday
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.