The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
You Might Also Like
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly