*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
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Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
What the hell is going on?
Monday
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics