“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
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THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Noted.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda