I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
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When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
hi why am I like this
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]