“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
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So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Feels
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.