My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
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Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home