@shawnspree: Smile and the world smiles with you. Laugh and the world wants you to stop looking at your phone and drive.
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@leducviolet: Scientists have identified the dog particle. It is a good particle. Such a good particle yes it is. Does it want a treatsy weatsy yes it doe
@MartaEffing: Turns out you have to *tell* a guy you're going out, otherwise you just end up standing on his doorstep wondering why he's in his sweats.
@jctwritesstuff: Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you've eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right? Hey, fellas
@ibid78: *shaves 'I ❤ Dogs' into my chest hair for the Westminster Dog Show but just as I take my shirt off a car full of cats rolls up*