After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
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Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
I’m not proud
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.