Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
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Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”