Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
You Might Also Like
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Guys, I found it.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here