Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
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Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.