Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
You Might Also Like
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
let’s discuss
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein