Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
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For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?