Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
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Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
No laws when master is gone
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.