“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
You Might Also Like
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Breaking news:
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
i baked you a cake
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?