Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
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The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
These 3D printers are insane!
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.