[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
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I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
The two types of wives
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!