[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
You Might Also Like
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
can you read it!!??
maan!
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.