Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
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*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Interior design 👌
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Bond. Trauma bond.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”