*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
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In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn