@RandomAntics: Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
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@KalvinMacleod: [parole hearing] OFFICER: are u reformed? ME: I— O: go on M: I th— O: tell us M: I'm— O: yes M: can I finish my sentence O: ok parole denied
@MinedOvaMatter: I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
@rz0ndy: My daughter did a cart wheel and slammed her head right into the coffee table. That's all the DNA test I need.