Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
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I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.