*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
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The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
A Short Story.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.