*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
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Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
The news in a nutshell.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.