*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
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I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.