[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
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If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants