I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
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Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.