*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
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studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
When life hands you women, make women laid.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8