*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
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date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
j o i m p
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
What the hell happened here.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old