*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
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Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime