Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
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Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Boating season is upon us.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke