Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
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My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.