[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
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“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Buck naked
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.