So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
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Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Oh no
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Happy birthday to all the women
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.