So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
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Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts