So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
You Might Also Like
i hate you platonically
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.