@jlock17: So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear "Go towards the light."
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@Brampersandon_: GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle? BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I'm just a regular eagle actually
@Book_Krazy: I'm so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. "My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!"
@TjSmooth0: I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I'm worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
@leechee420: If Reese Witherspoon doesn't call her poop "Reese's Feces" she's missing out on a clear opportunity to be awesome.