@jlock17: So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear "Go towards the light."
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@BDGarp: I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
@iwearaonesie: my wife's friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he's having a hard time even looking at me
@bourgeoisalien: I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it's just a cute Halloween display
@_ElvishPresley_: SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon CHAMELEON: how'd u know it was me?? SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker C: so? SM: *starts sweating*