@jlock17: So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear "Go towards the light."
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@ShittyComedian: Anytime I'm using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, "Did you bring the lube?" As loud as possible.
@kdelite8: Doctor: it's important to incorporate purple foods into your diet. Me: *eats purple cupcakes*