So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
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If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Who.
Did.
This?
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning