“How’s your day going?”
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…..pretty much.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.