So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
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“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, āWhy donāt you just let me live my life?!ā
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
The future is now.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? Thatās ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Husband: My mom didnāt get the Motherās Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. š¤·āāļøš
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, weāre not going. Itās enough just to know you would.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
The girl in front of me googled āmed school GPAā and then immediately after googled āwhat can I do with a biology degreeā.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Me: Iāll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Donāt you mean āIāll do it sooner or laterā?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
How to properly lift a body