@NikiWithIssues: So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
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@caliluvgirl77: [introducing myself to new boyfriends parents] "Hi, I usually don't make it this far"
@Tw1tter_K1tten: Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
@murrman5: [overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he's always overreacting and making a mess *spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?