@NikiWithIssues: So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
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@ItsAndyRyan: Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it's quite the dilemma Me: Technically that's a trilemma Murderer: OK now it's easy
@trojansauce: [about to have sex] WIFE: what happened to all the condoms?! [cut to] ME: *making balloon animals at work* [cut back] ME: affair
@OneWonderWoman: A facebook friend posted, "I'm not ashamed of Jesus." It took every single ounce of my willpower not to reply, "Uh oh. What did he do now?"