So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
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I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Happy weekend !
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.