Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
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in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
he’s doing your taxes