I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
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The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”