so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
You Might Also Like
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.