So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
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Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Which wines pair best with gloating?
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.