So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
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When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit